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Friday, October 21, 2022

Medicare Part A, B, C and D: What’s the Difference?

image: medicare late enrollment pernalty

If you miss your 7-month Initial Enrollment Period, you may have to wait to sign up and pay a monthly late enrollment penalty for as long as you have Part B coverage. The penalty goes up the longer you wait. You may also have to pay a penalty if you have to pay a Part A premium, also called “Premium-Part A.”
- When Does Medicare Coverage Start?

If you fail to sign up for Medicare Part B during your INITIAL ENROLLMENT PERIOD (IEP) and you do not qualify for a Special Enrollment Period, you pay a 10 percent penalty for every full year you fail to sign up. That means you pay 10 percent for 12 months, 20 percent for 24 months, 30 percent for 36 months, and so on. You pay this extra fee for the entire time you have Medicare.
- Late Enrollment Penalty, Medicare Solutions, 2018

Medicare Part A, B, C and D: What’s the Difference?

By Felicia Wilson
Curious Minds Magazine

Medicare consists of four parts, each serving a different purpose. Here is a brief overview of each part and its basic features:

Part A

Part A is usually referred to as hospital insurance and covers inpatient services of hospital stays. Here are the services offered under the part:

Hospital services related to staying overnight in a hospital

A person can be treated in a skilled nursing facility (SNF) if he or she is limited or cannot perform daily functions on his or her own and/or needs nursing care for a maximum of 3 months.

Skilled Nursing Facility(SNF)

In order to receive benefits from Part A, the patient must recuperate after an extensive hospital stay that was medically necessary and not self-imposed in an SNF skilled nursing facility. Medicare must approve the place before receiving payment for these services.

Home health benefits

Home health benefits allow patients to receive medical services in their homes. Part A covers skilled nursing, physical therapy, and home health aide services administered under a physicians direction and for which Medicare is the primary insurer.

Hospice Care

Hospice care is designed to provide comfort and relief to terminally ill patients. Part A has specific provisions for the benefit of hospice care. It covers the costs incurred for inpatient hospice services, including inpatient and outpatient hospice care.

Medical Social Services

Services provided under the medical social services part of Medicare are provided to the elderly, disabled, and persons with a mental illness. It covers doctor’s visits and care that is rendered in an inpatient or outpatient setting. This includes but is not limited to:

Medical Services Related to Unexpected Illnesses

This part covers the cost of services provided for unexpected illnesses that occur within 30 days of admission for treatment or recovery from a new illness. These are called “non-Medicare-covered acute illnesses,” that is, illnesses that require hospitalization and treatment if the person does not have health insurance coverage or other means of coverage (not including short-term or temporary coverage).

Part A is generally paid for by a portion of the Social Security taxes paid over a person’s lifetime. The amount of the Medicare tax paid is deducted from one’s Social Security benefits.

Part B

Part B covers fees for a physician, outpatient care, and outpatient hospital care if you have a Medicare-approved home health plan. This covers the cost of the services provided by your doctor, specialist, dentist, or therapist. Part B covers:

Actual Cost of Dental Services

The actual cost is determined using a process called COST-BASED DENTAL EXAMINATIONS (CBDE).

Coverage for Preventive Services

The Plan pays 100% of the cost for some preventive services, including vaccinations, flu shots, and breast cancer screenings. This saves the patient money and can also improve their health.

Medical Equipment

The Plan covers items like walkers, wheelchairs, and hospital beds.  It also covers Hoyer lifts for people who need help getting in and out of bed. The Plan does not cover prosthetic devices or equipment like artificial teeth or eyes.  However, a separate Medicare program covers stand-alone dental plans and contact lenses. Part B is generally paid by premiums that are deducted from the Social Security check bi-weekly.

Mental health treatment

The Plan covers mental health services provided by mental health care providers. The Plan covers only certain types of mental health services such as counseling, psychotherapy, and personal care services. There are different limits on what the Plan covers for mental health treatment.

Ambulance services

The Plan covers ambulance services, including transportation to and from the hospital (ambulance fees) and emergency medical care while in transit.

Diagnostic lab tests

The Plan covers these services that are administered by a physician who works for a Medicare-approved lab. Medicare does not cover blood tests that are performed at any lab other than a Medicare-approved one. Part B is paid by monthly premiums, which are deducted from the Social Security check on a monthly basis.

Limited outpatient prescription drugs

The Plan covers these prescription drugs that are approved by Medicare only. These medicines have been determined to have a low cost relative to their efficacy and/or benefit, based on studies performed by the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Part C

Part C is also referred to as MEDICARE ADVANTAGE. It is the Medicare supplement program, and private insurance companies provide it. It helps save potential beneficiaries money and provides the benefits they prefer.

Preventive care

The Plan covers inpatient and outpatient services that are administered in a medical facility to help prevent illness and/or injury through prevention.

Hospital Services

The Plan has lower deductibles, among other benefits like Medicare flex cards. Visit this page to LEARN MORE ABOUT THESE BENEFITS.

Home Health-Services

The Plan takes over the entire cost of Medicare-covered home health services. This includes costs for inpatient and outpatient services, transportation, and rehabilitation services. For some beneficiaries, there is also home NURSING CARE provided by nurses that the Plan contracts. The Plan covers skilled care administered in an extended stay unit (short-term) and skilled care provided in an acute hospital setting (long-term).

Ambulance Services

The Plan covers ambulance services, including transportation to and from the hospital (ambulance fees) and emergency medical care while in transit.

Prescription Drugs

The Plan covers only medications that are approved by Medicare only. These medicines have been determined to have a low cost relative to their efficacy and/or benefit, based on studies performed by the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Skilled Nursing Facility Services

The Plan covers only inpatient services that are administered in a medical facility to help prevent illness and/or injury through treatment. The skilled care provided is not always nursing care but can include physical therapy and/or rehabilitation, among other things.

Part D

Part D is a program that was created as a way to help people with prescription drug coverage. The program is managed by private insurance companies that work for Medicare beneficiaries. These companies contract with pharmaceutical companies for the medical services covered by Part D. Beneficiaries pay a monthly premium deducted from their Social Security (or Railroad Retirement) check. Some beneficiaries may also have an annual deductible applied to the monthly premium payment if they choose not to use their Plans drug benefit as part of their prescription plan. Here are some of the items covered by Part D.

Mail-Order Pharmacies

The Plan uses mail-order pharmacies to provide prescriptions for their beneficiaries. However, this does not mean that beneficiaries cannot use local pharmacies.

Prescription Drug Coverage

The Plan provides coverage for these prescription drugs, which are approved by Medicare only. These medicines have been determined to have a low cost relative to their efficacy and/or benefit, based on studies performed by the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Some of the more popular Part D prescription plans are as follows:

Continuing Coverage

These are Medicare supplemental plans that cover certain people who were formerly covered under their original Medicare plan. Some of these groups include but are not limited to individuals who have had a late enrollment penalty applied to their Social Security check and those beneficiaries who have had a previous private Medicare supplement plan terminated by the insurance company. In some cases, a beneficiary might be ineligible for Original Medicare but can qualify for an approved Part C or Part D Plan. These supplemental plans can be valuable to individuals who want additional coverage beyond their Original Medicare coverage.

Concurrent Coverage

These are Medicare supplemental plans that cover certain people who were formerly covered under their original Medicare plan. Some of these groups include but are not limited to individuals who have had a late enrollment penalty applied to their Social Security check and those beneficiaries who have had a previous private Medicare supplement plan terminated by the insurance company. In some cases, a beneficiary maybe not be eligible for Original Medicare but can qualify for an approved Part C or Part D Plan. These supplemental plans can be valuable to individuals who want additional coverage beyond their Original Medicare coverage.

Creditable Coverage

People who have had medical coverage that they pay for themselves (e.g., prior employer-sponsored, retiree, or union) may be eligible to apply that coverage toward Part A and/or Part B. Some of these groups include but are not limited to individuals who have had a LATE ENROLLMENT PENALTY applied to their Social Security check and those beneficiaries who have had a previous private Medicare supplement plan terminated by the insurance company. In some cases, a beneficiary might not be eligible for Original Medicare but can qualify for an approved Part C or Part D Plan. These SUPPLEMENTAL PLANS can be valuable to individuals who want additional coverage beyond their Original Medicare coverage.

In conclusion, it is important to be aware of the different types of Medicare Supplement Plans available, the eligibility requirements, and how these plans work to make an educated decision on which Plan is best for you.

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Posted by Elvis on 10/21/22 •
Section Personal
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Tuesday, October 04, 2022

The Expendable White Male

image auscwitz entrance

Back in 2004 AT&T layed off lots of inside and outside plant technicians, and replaced them with contracted techs. 

A friend who was an AT&T executive at the time called it a transition to a FLEXIBLE WORKFORCE.

THE CWA UNION WAS OK WITH THIS, and encouaged layed off members to apply for jobs with the contracting company - doing the same job they did at AT&T - at considerably less pay and benefits, but still represented by them.

TUCKER TECHNOLOGY, INC is a full service Information Technology firm with special emphasis on providing full-service Telecommunications and Information Technology solutions to our customers for Voice and Data applications

Today, the Tucker Technologies website redirects to TTI-USA that says:

TTI is a women & minority-owned 5G telecommunications installation company that utilizes staffing & supplier aggregation to expand the nation-wide 5G network.

I see so many minority-owned, minority-run, and EVEN THE EEO SELF IDENTIFICATION PAGE for government and contractor jobs lists minorites first.

The days of the white male dominated job market are over.

In 2020 Time Magazine POINTED OUT:

White, non-urban, non-college educated men have the slowest wage growth in every demographic category.

That the majority of white men have benefited from almost none of this growth isn’t because they have lost income to women or minorities; its because they’ve lost it to their largely white male counterparts in the top 1 percent who have captured nearly all of the income growth for themselves. According to economist Thomas Piketty, men accounted for 85 percent of the top income centile in the mid-2010s - and while he doesn’t specify, these men are overwhelmingly white…

Thus, by far the single largest driver of rising inequality these past forty years has been the dramatic rise in inequality between white men.

It stinks that the gap between rich white men and all other white men is growing, - but if the point Time is making is that one percent are mostly white men - I agree.  But this isn’t a post about the one percent.  I see ads whose first bullet item is “must speak the local language.” For a job.  In the United States. 

A MAJORITY OF WHITE AMERICANS believe discrimination against white people exists in America today. Many believe its getting worse, even more prevalent than discrimination against black people. According to a Pew Research survey, 14 percent of white folks said being white holds them back from getting ahead.

In 2017 NPR WROTE

More than half of whites - 55 percent - surveyed say that, generally speaking, they believe there is discrimination against white people in America today.

“If you apply for a job, they seem to give the blacks the first crack at it,” said 68-year-old Tim Hershman of Akron, Ohio, “and, basically, you know, if you want any help from the government, if you’re white, you don’t get it. If you’re black, you get it.”

Add that to ageism for white male boomers that don’t have enough to retire, and the situation is as dire as when I ALMOST TOOK MY LIFE ten years ago.

2019

AS MANY AS 25,000 COMPLAINTS CLAIMING AGE DISCRIMINATION have been filed each year since 2008, according to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission… A work study conducted by AARP in 2017 found that age is the leading reason for negative treatment by an employer.

2021

THERE ARE SOME STARK DISPARITIES in both gender and race when it comes to SUICIDE. Men die by suicide 3.6 times more often than women, and the suicide rate is more than twice as high among Whites compared to African Americans or Asians and Pacific Islanders. The result? White men account for nearly 70% of suicide deaths.

The ENGERS VS AT&T LAWSUIT led to my first retirement kick in the face:

In 1997, AT&T converted its traditional defined benefit pension plan to a cash balance plan. As a result of the conversion, the accounts established for older participants were significantly less than the value of the accumulated annuities they had already earned under the old plan. The workers sued, claiming that the conversion discriminated against older workers and that AT&T executives knew that employees within seven years of retirement eligibility would not earn any additional pension benefits for several years… The bad news for those people who had their AT&T pensions cut from the cash balance transfer years ago - is they lost the 12 year court battle.

Over the years

WE’VE SEEN MANY LARGE CORPORATIONS choose to cut employee benefits whether that be pension, 401(k), or healthcare. Verizon created headlines all the way back in 2005 when they announced they would freeze their pension program.

[AT&T] Employees retiring after 2022 will be hit the hardest, as they will lose all medical coverage typically given to retirees. AT&T will no longer supplement monthly premiums for medical or dental.

Things like this may help explain the violence from so-called right-wing EXTREMIST groups of mostly white men like the ones President Trump coaxed to BREAKING IN to the Senate chambers last January.

THESE ARE GUYS that really think that they don’t matter in the world and have been tossed aside.

Some say it’s a conspiracy theory.

THERE IS A RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY theory called the great replacement, which says that white people are being overtaken by minorities and that this is going to cause a loss of rights for white people. It used to be on the fringe. Its been around a long time, but what’s special now is that that theory is embraced in full-throated fashion by major political leaders and also by major media figures. If you live in an area thats losing white population, you can start yourself to connect the dots to the spinning that’s going around with these narratives.

Not me.  Like I said before - even the SELF-IDENTIFICATION PAGE on job applications I fill out lately defaults to Hispanic or Latino.

I lost a central office tech position because of EEO QUOTAS in 1988, that saved a black guy’s job who had less seniority than me.  But I didn’t wind up hating black people.  It’s hard not to notice most techs were white men, and coming from BROOKLYN where just about everyone black was poorer than me and my mom - they deserve a break.

IN THE BEST OF TIMES, many African American communities are forced to tolerate levels of unemployment unseen in most white communities. The 2001 recession pushed the white annual unemployment rate up from a low of 3.5% in 2000 to a high of 5.2% in 2003. During the same period, the black unemployment rate shot up from 7.6% to 10.8%. National recessions take African Americans from a bad situation to a worse one.

What I object to is the SYSTEM THAT CREATED THIS SEPARATION AND FRICTION, feeding hate and resentment between all workers. 

Today it’s WHITE MALES being shafted in the job market along with THE GIG ECONOMY bringing everyone down.  Before that TWO-TIERED PAY, before that the FLEXIBLE WORKFORCE with CONTRACTORS AND TEMPS, and the big ones going on since NAFTA - OFFSHORING and OUTSOURCING to cheap overseas labor that may have slowed down from COVID TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS, and the RUSSIA/UKRAINE WAR - but after that will probably pick up again.

Let’s remind ourselves again, in 2020 70% of suicides in America were WHITE MEN.

The rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged white men.

White males accounted for 69.68% of suicide deaths in 2020.

In 2020, men died by suicide 3.88x more than women.

Not to mention

SINCE 2000, the suicide rate in the United States has risen 35 percent, primarily because of the significant increase in such deaths among the WHITE population.

[T]he death rate among men tended to rise in cities where jobs were vanishing because of competition from cheap foreign goods.

In 2015

A STUDY released late last year by two Princeton academics, Anne Case and Angus Deaton, who won the 2014 Nobel prize for economics, revealed that the DEATH RATE FOR WHITE AMERICANS AGED 45 TO 54 has risen sharply since 1999 after declining for decades. The increase, by 20% over the 14 years to 2013, represents about half a million lives cut short.

What does my crystal ball think?

President Trump may come back STRONGER than ever in 2024 with promises of a new ARYAN world.

Remember these guys?

IN GERMANY, the Nazis promoted this false notion that glorified the German people as members of the “Aryan race,” while denigrating Jews, Black people, and Roma and Sinti (Gypsies) as “non-Aryans.”

But this fat, old white man, who isn’t happy with our system of rule, is not someone they’re looking for.

Nor would I want to be one.

We’re all human beings, and we ALL deserve a good life.

In 2011 OCCUPY WALL STREET was called A MOVEMENT TOO BIG TO FAIL, and I really thought it would be a defining moment in taking back our country from the OLIGARCHS and PLUTOCRATS that have taken over.

It wasn’t.

Then in 2020 we tried to roll out the President’s chair for America’s most loved politician - BERNIE SANDERS - who may have sold us out, and backed PRO CORPORATIST, REPUBLICAN LITE, FASCIST WANNABE Joe Biden - the same Joe Biden who WROTE ME in 2012 asking for a camapign donation after I asked to help the long-term unemployed - whose now our 46th President, throwing us into the WORST SUFFERING we’ve ever experienced.

I’m guessing a food crisis will lead fossils like me (and the poor, and the disabled, and anyone not FITTING the neo-fascist mold) into the gas chambers so the HARD WORKING Aryans have food.

IN MARCH 2022, UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres warned of a hurricane of hunger and a meltdown of the “global food system” in the wake of the crisis in Ukraine.

Guterres said food, fuel and fertiliser prices were skyrocketing with supply chains being disrupted and added this is hitting the poorest the hardest and planting the seeds for political instability and unrest around the globe.

Rember what the GEORGIA GUIDESTONES said

Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual BALANCE WITH NATURE.

Did you know

In many states, laws say that doctors can sterilize disabled people against their will. This is called forced sterilization. MOST STATES ALLOW FORCED STERILIZATION today. Laws allowing forced sterilization exist in 31 states plus Washington, D.C.... Sterilization is an operation that stops someone from ever having babies.

The only reason they may be keeping old people alive is because they’re big dollar signs to the drug and health care industries.

“In 2003, SENIORS IN MEDICARE MANAGED-CARE PLANS will pay an estimated $1,964 in average out-of-pocket expenses for health care, 10 percent more than last year and twice as much as four years ago.” (Marsha Gold and Lori Achman, Average Out-Of-Poket Health Care Costs for Medicare+Choice Enrollees Increase 10 Percent in 2003.” The Commonwealth Fund, August 2003).

Costs are expected to grow because scientists are continually discovering medicines to treat diseases of aging and people are living longer. The elderly population, now 36 million, is expected to reach 70 million by 2030. (Robert Pear, Prescription Drugs Now, Day of Reckoning Later, New York Times, 19 August 2003).

Today more dollar signs are waving at big pharma.

LECANEMAB is the first drug to help improve the symptoms of Alzheimers by slowing the disease. These are very promising results, although the only data we have at the moment is from the drugmaker’s PRESS ELEASE.

When famine is the issue, there may be a big fight between the companies that want to keep pill popping seniors alive, and goverment propaganzing there isn’t enouigh food for everyone - turning into a war between the young and the old.

And the old divide and conquer will go on like it always has.

IT IS AS IF millions of our fellow citizens have fallen asleep, as if they have become hypnotized and brainwashed by the powers-that-bes incessant managing and massaging of reality. These powers simply manipulate an already gullible and highly suggestible public into a game of “divide and conquer.” They get rich off of others blood - they incite conflict, and covertly support both sides, as they themselves reap the benefit of the conflict.

Chris Hedges PREDICTS

The step from dysfunctional democracy to full blown fascism was, and will again be, a small one. The hatred for the ruling class, embodied by the establishment Republican and Democratic parties, which have merged into one ruling party, is nearly universal.

By next spring, following a punishing winter of rolling blackouts and months when families struggle to pay for food and heat, what is left of our anemic western democracy could be largely extinguished.

Posted by Elvis on 10/04/22 •
Section Dealing with Layoff • Section Dying America • Section Fascism • Section Personal
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Friday, September 23, 2022

Fleeing America Redux 6

image:best countries to grow old in 2022

These Are The Best Countries To Grow Old In

By Tyler Durden
ZeroHedge
September 23, 2022

NORWAY is the best country for RETIREES.

In this year’s GLOBAL RETIREMENT INDEX by investment bank Natixis, the Scandinavian country takes first pla

As Statista’s Martin Armstrong DETAILS, for the ranking, 44 countries worldwide were assessed, according to factors such as health, finances in retirement, quality of life and material wellbeing in old age. An index score was then assigned, with 100 points the best possible result.

Iceland is one of the biggest fallers this year. With 79 points, the island nation is only good enough for third place in 2022. In last year’s ranking, Iceland scored four points more and held the top position.

Switzerland stubbornly holds on to second position despite a loss of points, as this infographic shows.

The UNITED STATES DOESN’T MAKE THE TOP TEN, only scoring 69 points and finding itself in rank 18 (11th for Finances in Retirement, 17th for Health, 21st for Quality of Life, and 30th for Material Wellbeing)…

image: usnites stated retirement index 2022

SOURCE

Posted by Elvis on 09/23/22 •
Section Dying America • Section Personal
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Sunday, March 20, 2022

Psychogenic Death

image: wish i were dead

I’ve THOUGHT about and WRITTEN about SUICIDE so many times, that it’s HARD TO DECIDE if I’m a whiner like teenagers that slit their wrists for attention, or deserve a medal for fighting the urge to kill myself year after year.
- Lost All Hope, 2018

LONG-TERM UNEMPLOYMENT is a terrible TRAUMA. Especially when you’re a single middle-class-turned-poor American fearing a retirement of hunger and homelessness.  When it lingers for years - and the universe DOESN’T OPEN A DOOR to help you out - all the self help tricks to try to get your head on strait - fail. Even hope turns to resentment after a while.  Your friends give up on you.  That’s my experience anyway.  And now I’m pretty old - maybe too old to work.  Despondency crushed my spirit, I lost the will to live, and came close to suicide.  If we can will ourselves to death, I’d be gone.

---

You can die simply by giving up the will to live, suggests new research
The five stages of psychogenic death aka, “give-up-itis.”

By Paul Ratner
Big Think
October 2, 2018

Can you die simply by giving up the will to live? Yes, concludes a new study, led by Dr. John Leach from the University of Portsmouth in the UK.

The first-of-its-kind study looked at the phenomenon of “give-up-itis” a word used for what is medically known as “psychogenic death.”

How is this possible? The research says “give-up-itis” can be catalyzed by a trauma that seems inescapable, with death appearing as a rational and inevitable thing to do. Without an interference, death can happen in as little as three days after the initial withdrawal from life.

What’s important to note about this condition is that it’s not the same as suicide.

“Psychogenic death is real,” said Dr. Leach. It isn’t suicide, it isn’t linked to depression, but the act of giving up on life and dying usually within days, is a very real condition often linked to severe trauma.”

The doctor thinks give-up-itis could be caused by a change in the anterior cingulate circuit - a frontal-subcortical circuit of the brain, which controls motivation and the person’s goal-oriented behavior.

Severe trauma might trigger some people’s anterior cingulate circuit to malfunction, explained Dr. Leach. “Motivation is essential for coping with life and if that fails, apathy is almost inevitable.”

But death does not have to be inevitable even if you fall victim to “give-up-itis.” Different INTERVENTIONS LIKE PHYSICAL ACTIVITY that can give the person some sense of regaining choice and control can break the terrible cycle by releasing dopamine.

Dr. Leach identified five stages of progressing psychological decline leading to death.

1. Social withdrawal - this usually follows a psychological trauma and can be considered a way of coping, according to Dr. Leach. This very passive state is marked by withdrawal from social interaction, emotionlessness, indifference, and self-absorption. Former POWs are often in this state right after being captured.

2. Apathy a person in this state exhibits serious melancholy and LACK OF ENERGY, as if they no longer wish to preserve themselves. This goes along with not putting forth efforts towards much of anything, especially bathing.

3. Aboulia - this is when a person not only severely lacks motivation, but also has almost no emotional response to the point of no wanting to speak. The sufferer becomes extremely withdrawn into themselves and has no desire or ability to help themselves or others.

Dr. Leach described aboulia as if having “an empty mind” or a consciousness devoid of content. THE MIND ESSENTIALLY GOES ON STANDBY.

4. Psychic akinesia - this state is reached when a person is conscious but is in such profound apathy that even extreme pain like from getting hit will prompt no response. A person in psychic akinesia would not only not bathe but often just lie in their own waste, found the researchers.

5. Psychogenic death - this final stage involves the person’s complete giving up and subsequent disintegration. Dr.Leach said that someone who reached this stage might be lying in their own excreta and nothing - no warning, no beating, no pleading can make them want to live.

Prisoners in concentration camps were known to reach this last stage when they’d take out a hidden cigarette to smoke. As cigarettes were extremely valuable and could be traded for things like food, a person smoking one was regarded as having truly given up. Their death would usually follow within several days.

SOURCE

Posted by Elvis on 03/20/22 •
Section Spiritual Diversions • Section Personal
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Friday, June 18, 2021

A Suicide Survivor’s Story

image: help me

The Emotions That Flooded Me After My Suicide Attempt

Anonymous
The Mighty
June 6, 2021

Fear, anger, shame, sadness. These are just some of the emotions I experienced in the immediate aftermath of my SUICIDE ATTEMPT. The days, weeks, months and even years following an attempt can look so very different for everyone. This is just a small window into one survivor’s - into my personal experience.

Fear.

Part of me wanted nothing more than to go home and part of me was terribly afraid of going home. This would have been a fear-filled next step for me regardless of where home was. But, home was teeny, tiny little Ellsworth. If you know… you know.

There were certainly many, many people right there willing to love on me and hold me up. But, there were just as many people ready to ignore and condemn. To some, I was no longer someone they would or could associate themselves with, so they avoided me. To others, I was someone they sought out, someone they wanted to talk to, because they could then go talk about me. I know. That may sound a bit harsh. But it was real. And it was scary.

The fear of who was next to leave. I lost friends. I lost relationships. People left me. Some slipped away silently with no explanation or goodbye. Others left with a thunderous rebuke of what I had done. All made me fearful of just how many there were who would follow them.

Its been 30 years since my attempt. Some of these friendships have thankfully been restored over the years, but only after some really hard conversations. Some of them have not recovered. All of them, I have to believe, are just as they should be.

Anger.

So much anger about so much.

I had to see a therapist and that made me angry. They took the telephone out of my hospital room so I had no contact with my friends - angry. They did not allow me to have a pen or a pencil. They took my shoelaces away and wouldnҒt let me use real silverware. I was in terrible physical pain, but my orders called for no pain medications as my body was still working to rid itself of toxic levels.

I was angry.

But, the first and most striking thing I was angry about? I was angry I had survived. I know. Harsh again. But true. I was angry I was there and I was angry because it meant I had “failed,” again. It was suicide I failed at, but I still felt like I failed.

I can only imagine what some of you are thinking right now.

That’s really messed up.

“She’s mad because she lived?”

“She’s thinking crazy.”

“She needs help.”

And my response to every one of those thoughts? Yes!

Yes, because that is the reality of what depression and hopelessness and self-doubt can look like and sound like. It is nothing more than a bunch of lies, disguised as truths, attacking your vulnerable mind and heart. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Shame.

Shame on you.

Shame on you for skipping class. For letting it get so out of control. For lying to everyone around you. For squandering your scholarships.

Shame on you.

For everything you put your mom and dad, your sister, the rest of your family and your friends through. For doing something so reckless and selfish. For trying to take your own life.

Shame. On. You.

Yeah. There was plenty of the shame to slog through.

Sadness.

And then the sadness. Where it was dark and lonely, and yet, at times, the only place I felt safe.

I was sad for my parents and my sister, that their lives had become focused on my attempt, my recovery, my mental health.

I was sad for my best friend when I remembered she was the one who found me, she was the one who had to see what she saw and quickly figure out, “What now?”

I was sad about everything I had given up, about the future I felt I had lost.

Mental Health Awareness Month ended in May. But that is not the last of the work that needs to be done. I’m sharing this today in the hopes it reaches the person or people who need to hear it most. Whether that is a lost soul contemplating a way out. A healing soul walking their own path through the journey of healing. Or a family full of questions and uncertainty.

To each one of you: You are heard, you are seen and you are worthy. There is a healthy way through this and suicide is not it. Suicide, whether attempted or completed, whether recent or long in your past, is not the way through. Please read that and hear that as many times as you need to. And, please, reach out.

My story is not over;

There is so much more I want to share. These emotions never completely go away and healing is a process that is never completely over. As I have said before, I will continue sharing more of this part of my story with anyone who wants to learn more. If you have questions, please don’t be afraid to ask them. We don’t know what we don’t know. If it’s something I’m not comfortable answering, I’ll respectfully let you know. But if answering the hard questions, if sharing the raw details, helps just one person feel less alone and less desperate, then it will be worth it.

SOURCE

Posted by Elvis on 06/18/21 •
Section Personal
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In memory of the layed off workers of AT&T

Today's Diversion

How interseting...Einstein tapped into the future. Edison tapped into the future. Anglo did also, yet world is still not convinced.

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